Twenty Answers
What was your favorite color or Crayola crayon growing up?
Yellow
Have you thrown up in a car?
Ive thrown up in lots of places, but on second thought, I'm not sure a car was ever one of them. I threw up on myself at a party once in my twenties and left a vomity AIC shirt in my friends car after he drove me home the next morning. Does that count?
If you inherited a single room off-the-grid cabin in the woods, would you be excited or disappointed?
Excited. I dislike society in general, am faux outgoing (unless I actually like you), and really only care to ever interact with the handful of people I call friends.
Whats your favorite viral YouTube video?
There's a pretty good MeatCanyon video about TayTay and Travis Kelce that's pretty funny. I've watched it a few times.
What famous historical figure would like to fight?
Hitler?
Have you ever saved someones life?
I like to think I've had a role in it, at least.
Would you become a professional bank robber if you knew you would never get caught?
Fuck banks and the institution and hegemony. Let's goooooo.
If someone wrote a biography about you, what do you think the title should be?
Thirty Eight Years of Swimming Upstream: A Case Study in Treading Water
Which Disney princess do you find to be the most attractive?
I don't know. Who's the girl from Princess and the Frog? Maybe her. She's got gumption and beats Voodoo.
Would you dress in drag for $25?
I've done it for less.
What is the funniest movie you have ever seen?
This is an unanswerable question. So many movies are the funniest.
Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? Why?
Tie between Daniel Tosh and Bo Burnham, and maybe Lewis Black. Tosh is crass, vulgar and honest. His delivery matches the truths he addresses in his comedy. Disgusting. Bo burnham is clever, smart, and somehow manages to make everything come off high brow, even when he's being low brow. I like Lewis Black's social and political commentary, and his rage (he's famously nicknamed, "the raving Jew") is a big part of the sell. It's over the top and perfectly pointed.
Who would you hate to see naked?
You. All of you bakas.
What would you do if you were the lone survivor of a plane crash?
Sustain myself with thoughts and prayers? Just kidding. Let's be practical here while we follow this question to its terminus. I'd eat the dead. It'd be justifiably right under more than one moral theory, but I wouldn't give it much thought because I'd be hungry. I'd survive. I'd be rescued. But oh no, I developed a taste for human flesh. Now I'm an irresistible creature with an insatiable love for the dead. I get caught exhuming fresh graves in a lonely cemetery. The officers come. They find a body in the back of my Dragula. I bite one of the officers. It tastes like donuts because comical stereotyping tropes, and I have a sweet tooth. I wake up in a cell next to a scared guy in a suit. He's being used as a footstool by the resident "boss inmate". I look at boss man's feet and wonder what his hygiene is like. I decide there are easier parts to eat than feet. I go to court. I'm missing some teeth - boss guy fought me off, but not before I got two fingers and a part of his cheek. Real fingers > chicken fingers. Anyway, I'm found guilty of the things, but the jury takes pity because I was forced to eat people to live and it's not my fault they taste good. To be continued...
If you could got back in time 1,000 years, what year would you visit?
1024
Who is your favorite cartoon character? Why?
Felix the Cat? Five years later I still haven't had second thoughts about this answer. I don't really know why. I haven't seen the show since childhood, but I think he could pull anything out of his bag.
Would you go streaking across a football field during a game for a million dollars knowing theres a 50/50 chance youll get arrested for indecent exposure?
Is it tax exempt?
Which would be harder for you to give up: coffee or alcohol?
I already gave up alcohol. Coffee is stuck with me.
Update: I'm actively trying to give up coffee. How times change.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Madonna's discography. Shhhh.
What was your first CD and when did you get it?
Make Yourself by Incubus. It was 2001 and I lived in Anchorage AK. Heard it on the radio when it came out and convinced the parents to get it for me. Seen them in concert three times since. I had a big falling out with their music after Light Grenades, though. I hardly listen to them anymore.
